


If You Ask Me To

by Pooks79



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-22
Updated: 2013-07-22
Packaged: 2017-12-20 23:18:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/893059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pooks79/pseuds/Pooks79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emotional One Shot partly inspired by the song “If you asked me to” by Celine Dion which is also the title and part of it was just a vivid picture that has been playing in my thoughts for some time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Ask Me To

What can be described as a defining moment? Is it when you’re a child and you take your first steps or maybe when you graduate after several years of grueling studies and exams or maybe for some, it’s much deeper than just the fundamental desire to succeed. Maybe to a select few, it’s when you finally find the person of your dreams and can’t think of anyone or anything else you would ever want more than that special someone. 

Each moment in our lives should be a time when we are further defining who we are as individuals but often times these moments go unnoticed, undefined and unacknowledged. What it means to be human gets taken for granted so often it’s hard to know when you are being human or otherwise.

I’d like to think my entire existence was filled with defining moments. I experienced moments of weakness, sadness, joy, love and tragedy. Each of these moments no more important than the other but all which have molded me into the man I am today. However, looking back on it now, I realize that all these moments had one constant, you. You were my every waking and resting thought, every word that fell from my lips, every reason for me to be who I had set out to be.

We were born within minutes of one another, our mothers forever bonded by the circumstance of our birth. They didn’t’ know each other till that day but every day since, our families have walked hand in hand with one another enjoying the joys of life as if nothing else mattered. This was the environment we lived and thrived in so when that world was taken from me, you can understand how my heart periled along with it.

I knew at some point you and I would part. I knew you had dreams, aspirations, and goals of your own and as much as I wanted to believe I could be a part of them, I knew my place would always be here. This burden I bear is one not bestowed upon me but willfully accepted. My father sacrificed his life to save mine so it is only fair I do the same. 

The day you left the world stood still, the sun lost its luster and the darkness of night became my friend. I watched as you kissed and hugged your way through each member of your family saying your goodbyes and I love you’s and deep down all I wanted to do was fall at your feet and beg you not to go. I couldn’t imagine a world without you and I didn’t want to. 

I let rage and anger consume me that day and every day after. I never hugged you. I never told you how much I would miss waking up to your smile. I never told you how much it burned to move through life without you because I knew you wouldn’t go if I asked you too. I knew you would do and say anything if I asked but I wasn’t selfish. I knew how much this scholarship meant to you and I wouldn’t deny your happiness even if it meant my misery.

You promised to write me every day and although you never saw me the day you left, you still kept your promise. I chastised myself for not seeing you off. I knew it was cowardly and selfish but was I such a bad person for not wanting to say good bye? It was our custom to never say good bye because saying good bye meant you would never see each other again. I knew you would understand why I couldn’t be there and yet I could feel the pain of my absence as if someone had reached in and squeezed my heart. I stood outside the airport doors watching people come and go, lovers hugging, families crying and business people rushing and all I could think of was that this loneliness, this emptiness, this vacant feeling would go unsatisfied until you returned.

Days turned into months, months into years and each time I received your letter I felt that twinge of joy, that spark that always ignited my love for you as my eyes devoured your words. I lived and breathed each sentence as if it was I experiencing life along side you. It always amazed me at how talented you were with the written language. You had the ability to invoke such feeling within each word you wrote and give your reader a remarkable experience that was well defined and extraordinary.

However as much as your letters meant to me, they were never enough. I would read each line, engross myself in all that was you and by the end feel just as cheated as I did the day you left. I found solace in my pain and often times emptied my sorrows into fits of rage. I didn’t want to be a selfish bastard so I never wrote back. I never told you how much I hated that you were happy and I wasn’t. I was worthless without you, utterly useless to a mother who needed me and a tribe who called upon me to accept my tribal ancestry.

I denied all others but the one I could never deny was you. I often called upon my fondness memories of you to find peace. I remember the times we used to play in the sand, lay on the hammock and watch the sunset and the day we promised nothing would ever stand in the way of our friendship. I knew the day you finally held my hand as we walked home in the rain rejoicing in its cool texture and laughing at our silliness that I wanted to enjoy the rest of my life just like that moment. I wanted that to be the moment that defined all others. It was in that moment, a week before you set out to college that I knew you were in fact the love of my life.

I tried to gain the courage to tell you but I denied my heart because I knew it would make you rethink your decision. I knew if I told you I loved you that you would stay and in staying, you would be miserable. I couldn’t hurt you. I couldn’t deny you what you deserved even if it meant I would resent you for it. I thought I would eventually get over it, that the anger and pain I felt would ease with time but it only got worse.

After three years of not seeing you and only experiencing you through written word, I decided to focus my energy on what I did best, fixing cars. I took several classes online and received a certificate within the year. It felt like I had finally found an outlet to diffuse my obsession and ended up finding a new one.

My days and nights were spent repairing cars and less time obsessing over my need for you. Your letters continued to come in the same fashion but I found myself less worried about reading them and more concerned over the onslaught of business I received since my grand opening. It wasn’t until one night when I found comfort under the stars on my front porch that I decided to glance over the last four letters that remained unopened.

I had no idea that the feeling of longing would be so overpowering the minute I read your words. Your letters carried on as they always had. You spoke about the joys of graduating and the fact that you had an internship waiting for you in Seattle but deep within the commonality and structure there was something different, something off. 

You seemed less than elated about all these new and what you called “exciting” developments. When I got to the bottom of the letter I had to rub my eyes to make sure I was seeing what was truly there. You signed the letter forever yours. I placed the letter on my lap and tried to calm myself. I knew I was reading too much into something so simple. It was true you never signed your letters like that until now and I wondered why the sudden change. It brought me joy to think that maybe you had felt the longing and desperation I had all these years but never said anything because you were trying to shield me from the pain I was trying to shield you from. I decided to tear open the final letter dated only a few days ago and that’s when my heart stopped. 

Dear Jake,

I will be arriving tomorrow night around nine pm. I’m telling you this because I hope you can pick me up. I know it must be too much to ask and I know I’m taking a chance asking since I’m not really sure if you have received or read any of my letters but if we are still friends, I hope you will be there.

Forever your Bells.

I didn’t know what to make of this last letter. I didn’t know whether to be angry at you or myself. When it all comes down to it I could never bring myself to write you back because I was too selfish and I knew every word I could have wrote would have sounded pathetic and needy. I didn’t want you to be miserable. I wanted you to enjoy your college years because that’s all you ever dreamed of doing. It was me, work and college. These three things were a constant in your life and although I fell to the back burner for a time, I didn’t want you to feel the pain of losing me because I forced you to decide between your future and our friendship.

My mind became consumed with whether or not I could do this. I always told you if there was anything I could do for you all you had to do was ask. It was true that nine times out of ten you never did have to ask because as it was we always had a way of finishing each others sentences or knowing how we felt without saying anything but so much had changed. 

You’ve changed and so have I. I wondered if you would even be recognizable to me. Would I even love the woman that was going to exit those doors and run into my arms like nothing has happened? Could I love you with the same passion I had almost four years ago? I was stupid if I thought my love for you would ever die but at the same time, my heart had a wall so firm, so imperishable that I was afraid you couldn’t get back in, not if you had no intentions of reclaiming your purpose in my life.

Fear overshadowed me and for once in my life, I was unsure if your return was a good or a bad thing. I never questioned such things and now I find myself debating if I should go and reclaim the love I lost or continue to live out my life without you. 

The night came and went and most of the following day was a blur. I followed through the routine motions with my eyes constantly shifting back and forth from the clock. Each hour that passed, each moment that drew me closer to deciding our fate was excruciating. It felt like I was back to being the boy whose heart was broken by his childhood sweetheart. 

Do I deny my heart for my mental sanity or do I reach out and claim what has always been mine? This was a question I had pondered countless times before and I always decided to keep my pain and longing inside. 

However this time, when I get the chance to hold you in my arms, I’m not letting go, not until you ask me too. I’ve waited to long to let this moment pass me by. I will stand my ground, show you the man I’ve become and prove to you that there is no other place you would rather be. 

I cleaned up the shop and headed towards the airport. I tried to keep my thoughts distracted by listening to the radio however, even that didn’t help. I guess some character flaws never do grow old. 

I started to doubt myself, my intent on telling you how much I loved and missed you. I wanted you to see the longing; the burning deep within my chest was more than just friendship love. I worried you couldn’t or wouldn’t accept my love, not in the way I wanted you to. I felt the familiar pain of your dismissal as if it were still that day at the airport when you left me for your dreams. Why couldn’t you see that I was a part of that dream, that I needed you just as much as you needed to be free from this small town? Could I be enough for you to stay? Was I ever enough?

I parked in the corner lot right off the main entrance and walked slowly to the arrival gates. I checked my watch and noticed it was exactly nine o’clock and that’s when my heart started to beat unusually fast and my palms filled with sweat. There was so much riding on this moment. There were so many things I needed, no wanted to say and it felt like I only had a small window in which to do them. How do you ball a lifetime of love into only a few minutes? How do you tell the woman you love that you’ve loved her all your life but were to coward to show her in physical or written form?

I was so lost to my thoughts I didn’t realize I was standing in front of the arrival screen inside the airport. I refocused my eyes and found that your plane had in fact landed and was unloading. I made a mad dash towards the arrival gates hoping I didn’t miss you. As much as I doubted being here, seeing you, feeling you again, I didn’t want you to feel like I had deserted you. I was your loyal pup even if it killed me. I would follow you to the ends of the world if it meant your happiness so I will be damned if I let my selfishness stop me from seeing you again.

My feet came to a screeching halt as my eyes focused on your statuesque figure appearing from amongst the passengers exiting the plane. I felt like my body was filled with lead, the muscles in my arms stiffened into rigamortis and my heart ceased from beating. You weren’t the girl I remember, you were the woman I always knew you would be. You were more beautiful than I’d imagined. Your hair had grown out into long brown locks cascading slightly below your shoulders while you’re once very slim body filled out into the most sensual curves I had ever seen. Once my eyes moved up from your beautiful figure and our eyes met it was as if everything and everyone around us ceased to exist. It was just you and me and the rejuvenation of my beating heart.

This was the moment. This was the defining moment that would outshine all others. I thought I had experienced this before but no, there was no disputing this. Every nerve, muscle, vein in my body pulsated with such intensity that my body began to shake. I was so overwhelmed by my emotions I didn’t know how to contain it any longer. I felt like my skin would explode into flame at the intensity of my feelings for you and it’s within your eyes I could see you were aching too. 

We stood several feet from one another just soaking in the changes we saw. I watched as your lips parted slowly as you took in the man you saw before you while my body continued to tremble as I took in the woman I had loved since the very beginning. I wanted to fight my own weakness and pull you into my arms but I was catatonic and my body was unyielding in its intent to make you come to me. It required proof of your reciprocate love for it to faultier, for my heart to break free of the walls and beat to your hearts rhythm once again.

You broke from our intense stare before I could even muster the strength to break it for us. You ran to me and engulfed me into the warmth of your body as your head rested in the crook of my neck. My body fought to hold you but I wouldn’t deny what I had needed for so long.

“I love you so much” I whispered as your body trembled in my arms. 

I breathed you in as the tears threatened to spill from my eyes. I fought the pain of knowing I might not ever get this chance again and then I decided that I’d been unselfish long enough and I needed you too much to let you slip through my fingers.

I went to speak but was silenced by your sobbed whisper “I’ve love you for so long and I thought this break would kill us…I thought you stopped loving me because I chose school over you. I never chose Jake, I never stopped loving you. All you had to do was ask me too…” your voice trailing into more violent tears as your body quaked in my arms. 

Your words stung me and not because it hurt to hear them but because I had longed to hear them spill from your lips for as long as I can remember. I felt stupid, cheated and angry that I hadn’t seen it before. I read every word you ever wrote and never once had “I love you” ever come across my eyes, not even indirectly. 

“I could never ask you not to go Bells…I love you too much to deny you” I whisper into your chest as we remained in each others arms.

You pull back from me, unhook your legs from my waist and slide down. Your hands move from over my shoulders and rest against my heated cheeks. You lean your forehead against mine and whisper “Do you remember when we were kids, when we promised that no matter what if we needed something or wanted something that all we have to do was ask and it was ours? Do you remember making that promise to me Jake?”

I was speechless as I nodded back against her. “All you had to do was ask me to stay. I would’ve stayed…for you. I thought you were ok with me leaving but the day I left and you weren’t there…nothing seemed to matter anymore. I loved you and you left me alone.”

I felt your head leave mine as the guilt filled my heart. Your arms snaked out of mine as you pulled away but there wasn’t enough guilt or pain that would keep me from letting you go. My hands rose from my sides as I pulled your chin up from the ground and replied “I wasn’t there because I couldn’t bear to see you go. I loved you enough to let you go don’t you understand that Bella. That’s what true love is. If you love someone enough you let them go and if the love is mutual they will come back.”

The sadness that filled your eyes seemed to dissipate as the lights above us flickered and caused your glistening orbs to sparkle just a bit. It was true there was so much that needed to be said, so many actions that needed to be corrected but that would come in time. I didn’t want to make this moment into a regrettable past time. I wanted this to be the moment that I showed you just how much I loved you.

I watched as your lips curled and you went to speak and decided it was now or never. I cupped your face between my hands and kissed you with all the passion I had. I fed you the love I once had, I currently felt and the love I knew I could give you if you let me. 

Our lips were on fire as we got lost in the burn of our love for one another. I felt in that moment I had to say what I had yearned to say all these years. I slowly pulled away and whispered “I’m asking you Bells…stay with me…don’t ever let me go.”

“All you had to do was ask” you replied as your lips crashed against mine in a heated fury. I got lost in it all not caring where we were or how engrossed we became. I had dreamt about this day every night for the last four years and if I got struck down by God for my selfishness then so be it. I needed you more than I needed the air I breathed and for once I was going to be selfish, selfish in my love for you.

The claps and cheers that surrounded us pulled us from our blissful embrace and back to reality. I turned and noticed your family and my mother surrounding us with pure joy across their faces. I pulled you into my side as you turned and smiled back at me. I knew this was the moment I would recall for a lifetime because this was the moment I asked you to be mine.


End file.
